Anarchy In Amphibolis

By John Dorsey

Based on characters and situations created by Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi

Copyright 2000. Xena: Warrior Princess is a trademark of Universal Studios. No infringement is intended through the writing of this fan fiction.


It had been a long mission, and Xena was exhausted. After a long journey, she had finally reached her hometown of Amphipolis. Gabrielle and Joxer had arrived ahead of her, and the warrior princess was hoping to spot them as she entered the town riding on her horse, Argo.

It was a bright sunny afternoon. Xena was hoping to get to her mother's tavern as soon as possible, but some loud noises aroused her curiosity. She dismounted Argo and strode in her usual cautious way up to a tavern. There was some kind of ruckus going on inside, so she slowly opened the door.

Xena was not prepared for the sight she saw. On a small stage in the crowded room, there were three women singing a chorus song. Xena recognized them immediately. It was Diana, Leah, and Meg! The women who looked exactly identical to her!

They were dancing and singing: "Stop! In The Name Of Love! Before You Break My Heart"

Feeling disoriented, she then noticed Jayce, one of Joxer's twin brothers, sitting on the bar in a yoga position with his eyes closed. Next, Iolaus ran out of the crowd of patrons with a pendant in his hand. Hercules was chasing him.

"Nyah! Nyah!" Iolaus turned around and stuck his tongue out at Hercules. "I've got the hind's blood pendant and you don't! I have the power to kill gods!"

Hercules reached his hands out. "Gimme! Gimme! Mine! Mine!"

"I've been in your shadow too long!" Iolaus shouted. "Now I'm going to be the hero and you're going to be the sidekick... OR ELSE!!!"

Hercules pouted. "If you don't give me that pendant, I'm going to tell my dad on you! And then you'll be sorry!"

Iolaus ran off as Hercules tried to grab for him, and the son of Zeus crashed into a group of patrons. A fight broke out among many of the men. Xena began to back away, not knowing whom she should fight for or against. Quickly leaving the tavern, she was startled to see another familiar face in front of her.

"Autolycus!" she gasped.

Autolycus was not dressed in his usual outfit for thievery. He was dressed like a gentlemen and smiled at her in a way that wasn't his usual braggadocious self.

"Xena," he said calmly. "It's so nice to see you. It's such a shame you have to be subjected to such a harsh, overly masculine environment such as this."

"Huh?" was all she could get out.

"Xena, I want you to know I've turned over a new leaf. No more robbing people. I am now the founder of The Society For The Proper Treatment Of Women. My primary goal in life is to promote proper respect for women. I realize now that a woman is but a delicate flower that must be allowed to blossom without being soiled by a man's lustful touch."

Xena's mouth hung open.

"And in order to show the world just how dedicated I am to my cause, I have chosen to remain celibate for the rest of my days."

"O-kay," Xena answered. She quickly started to walk away.

Autolycus held up a sheet of paper. "Would you like a flier?"

The warrior princess ignored him. She needed find Gabrielle, Joxer and her mother. Maybe they could tell her what craziness was overtaking the town. Argo had wandered a little farther down the street, and she went up to him. Xena was about to mount him, when she heard some wild female screams coming from an establishment across the street. Curiosity getting the better of her again, she carefully walked through the door.

It was a strip club or sorts, and the men on the stage were centaurs! (half-human, half-horse). And the women in the audience were Amazons! The Centaurs were dancing while tapping their hooves while the Amazons were screaming and throwing dinars at them. In the crowd Xena recognized Amarice.

"Hey, Xena!" Amarice waved. "Come on in and join the fun!" She and Amoria, the black Amazon leader, both jumped up on the stage and started grinding against one of the more muscular Centaur men.

While it was nice to know that the Amazons and the Centaurs were getting along, Xena had a feeling they were taking things a little too far. Quickly turning way, she was sure more than ever she had to find Joxer and Gabrielle.

"Hail Salmoneus!" came from nearby.

Xena stopped to listen to the sounds coming from a nearby church. "What is going on?" she said aloud, and was almost afraid to look inside, but she forced herself to go. Inside the church were a large group of people facing Salmoneus, who was in a priest's outfit and standing on the pulpit.

Salmoneus held his hands in the air and spoke. "My people, it is so wonderful to be here in front of you. I am here to teach you to reform your ways, for I once worshipped the might dinar. But no longer. I have become a priest of the cloth, and by doing so have taken a vow of poverty for the rest of my days."

Xena was shaking her head, trying to clear it. "I don't believe this. I've got to find Joxer and Gabrielle." She quickly left, mounted Argo, and rode away. Two blocks later at the town square, she found a massive group of warlords. There had to be at least a hundred of them. There was a high stage in front of them, and Xena immediately recognized the two men standing on it.

It was Draco and Jett!

Draco spoke first. "We have called for this Warlords and Assassins convention for a very special reason."

"Warlords and assassins are rapidly becoming an endangered species!" Jett proclaimed.

"He's right!" Draco agreed. "Whenever a warlord or an assassin tries to make a decent living, Xena or Hercules is always there to stop us. How in the world two people manage to cover all of Greece I have no idea, but they're always in our way! But now, with our combined strength, we can finally put an end to them!"

Jett raised his sword, "Death to Xena and Hercules!"

The warriors all cheered in unison. Suddenly, Ares appeared hovering over the podium. "Look, my servants!" Ares shouted, pointing towards her. "Xena's right there! Now is your chance to finish her once and for all!"

"Death to Xena!" Draco shouted.

"Death to Xena!" Jett shouted.

All the warriors started towards her. Realizing that a hundred warriors might be a little too much even for her, Xena turned Argo around and made a hasty retreat. Quickly ducking into a nearby alleyway, she quietly waited until all the warriors ran past her.

There was no time to lose. She had to find Gabrielle, Joxer and her mother and fast! Trying to remain as hidden and inconspicuous as possible, Xena soon made her way to her mother's tavern. Quickly entering, she was stopped cold by what she saw next.

Gabrielle and Joxer stood before her. Gabrielle was wearing a white dress and Joxer was in a tuxedo.

"Xena!" Gabrielle smiled. "I have wonderful news!" She snuggled one side of her face up to Joxer's.

"Joxer and I are getting married!"

Xena's eyes widened. "What? Gabrielle... Isn't this a little... sudden?"

Joxer smiled as he and Gabrielle looked longingly into each other's eyes. "Oh, come on, Xena, this has been coming for a long time. You've always been hot for me, haven't you, Gabby?"

"Oh, yeah," Gabrielle licked her lips with lust.

Xena was noticeably wincing.

"Xena, this really is for the best," Gabrielle assured her. "Besides, it's the only way to put an end to those silly rumors that you and I are more than just friends."

"I love you, Gabrielle."

"I love you, Joxer."

"No, I love you."

"No, I love you."

Xena felt she was going to lose her lunch. "O-kay. Gabrielle, do you know where mother is?"

"Yes, Cyrene's opening the new brothel across the street."

"B-Brothel?" Xena couldn't be any more shocked than she already was. At this point, Joxer and Gabrielle ignored her as they were french kissing deeply.

Xena almost ran out the door, trying to get her bearings. "I've got to get to the bottom of this."

She noticed a huge sign on the building before her.

 

                                    CYRENE'S PLACE

                 We Guarantee Satisfaction Or Your Dinars Are Cheerfully Refunded

 
Xena went inside and saw her mother sitting at a desk. "Mother!"

"Xena, so good to see you!"

"Mother, what is going on???"

"Why, I've decided to expand! I've bought this incredible franchise from Meg!"

"Let me get this straight. You bought a brothel franchise... from Meg?"

They both turned to see Zeus, the ruler of the Gods, come walking down the stairs. He reached into his pocket and paid Cyrene. "Thank you," he smiled. "I am one satisfied customer."

"Xena! Xena!" came from behind the warrior princess. Xena turned to see Diana, Leah, and Meg come up to her.

"Xena, we want you to join our band," Diana said.

"We wid' be incwedwible," Leah smiled, "We cwud use aw music to promote virginity!"

"Yeah," Meg said, rolling her eyes, "Of course, we could always pick up a few guys now and then." Leah looked at her, astonished.

"Hey," Meg retorted, "I've already soiled my oats."

Xena felt her world spinning. She had no idea what to say. Then Iolaus came running through the door with Hercules right behind him.

"Ha Ha! Can't catch me!" Iolaus teased.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Hercules shouted to Zeus. "Iolaus won't give me the hind's blood pendant!"

"Now, now," Zeus replied, "you two boys play nice."

Gabrielle, Joxer, and Salmoneus walked through the door.

"Xena!" Gabrielle called out. "Joxer and I are getting married right now."

"Yeah," Joxer said, "and since Salmoneus is now a priest, we've asked him to do the honors."

"Ah," Salmoneus smiled, "love is so much more important than money."

Xena felt frozen, holding her hands out in front of her. She was shocked back into reality by the sight of Draco and Jett in the doorway. Standing behind them were a hundred warriors.

"There she is!" Draco pointed.

"Let's get her!" Jett shouted as he unsheathed his sword.

Xena's eyes widened. "Uh, I think I'm in trouble..."

The warrior princess braced for battle as the massive army ran at her.


"Xena... Xena..."

Xena awoke with a start, sitting up. Trying to get her bearings, she made out Gabrielle and Joxer kneeling before her.

"You've been asleep for hours," Gabrielle said.

"Yeah," Joxer agreed, "we were beginning to wonder if you would ever wake up."

"Me, too," Xena replied, feeling relieved. And she felt even more relieved when Gabrielle placed in her arms her beautiful baby daughter, Eve.

It had been a long mission, and Xena was exhausted...


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