Joxer: The Legendary Journeys

By John Dorsey

Based on characters and situations created by Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi

Xena: Warrior Princess is a copyright of Universal Studios. No copyright infringement is intended through the writing of this fan fiction.


This is the story of a time long ago
A time of myth and legend
When the ancient gods were petty and cruel
And they plagued mankind with suffering
Only one man was stupid enough to challenge their power
Joxer!

Joxer possessed idiocy the world had never seen Idiocy surpassed only by the power of his heart He journeyed the earth getting himself into trouble And wherever there was stupidity Wherever there was idiocy There would be Joxer!

Dear faithful reader...

This humble bard would like to tell you a tale of an ancient hero so grand, his exploits are still talked about by men today... A hero so powerful that his will was stronger than the metal of Hephesteus... A hero so courageous that he feared not even the thunderbolts of Zeus himself... And a hero so true that the entire world was his to command.

But, alas, I shall tell you a tale of someone else. I shall tell you the unbelievable (and I stress the word "unbelievable") saga of...

Joxer.

The Mighty.

Chronicle 1

The Birth Of A Hero

Xena and Gabrielle sat by the campfire. It was still daylight out, but the sun was setting. It had only been a few weeks since they had defeated Xena's arch-nemesis Callisto, sending her off to prison. They were both happy to get a good rest. Unfortunately, for them, it would not last long.

The two heard someone rustling in the bushes. Standing up, they turned to the hill behind them.

"Xena," Gabrielle said, "Do you know who that is?"

Clank! Clank! Clank!

Xena sighed. "I'm afraid so."

"Ladies!" came blasting from the underbrush. "Prepare yourselves! For the most powerful, dashing, daring hero to ever walk the earth... Joxer... The Mighty!"

Xena and Gabrielle watched as the most powerful, dashing, daring hero to ever walk the earth tripped and went flying down the hill, rolling until he hit the bottom.

"Aaaauuugh!"

The warrior princess and bard looked at each other.

Joxer pounced to his feet and assumed a heroic stance. "Have no fear! Fear not! You will never have to fear again! For no one knows more about fear than mighty Joxer! Uh... something like that."

"I'm sure," Xena replied.

"No longer am I a ruthless warrior, but now a hero, a man who will stand and fight for right, fight for good. A man whose heroic deeds will soon overshadow those of Hercules himself!"

You're a hero now?" Gabrielle asked.

"Of course, Gabrielle," Joxer answered as he drew his sword. "I have seen the light. I have seen the errors of my ways, and I will now dedicate my life to eradicating evil."

"Joxer..." Xena began.

"Wait, Xena. I even have a soliloquy. I've come up with a phrase that I want to be recorded in every written account of my adventures. It is a soliloquy so grand it will make Joxer the greatest known hero throughout the ages. Two thousand years from now this soliloquy will still be spoken about mighty Joxer through the lips of all men. Gabrielle, write this down."

"Okay," Gabrielle answered, reluctantly picking up a scroll and quill.

Joxer began to speak, raising his sword in the air.

"In a time of ancient gods... warlords... and kings
A land in turmoil cried out for a hero
He... was Joxer
A mighty warrior
Forged in the heat of battle
The power
The passion
The danger
His courage would change the world."

Joxer sheathed his sword. "Yes. This soliloquy will make mighty Joxer famous forever!"

Sounds good, Gabrielle thought, with a few minor changes.

"Joxer," Xena said. "Maybe we need to have a talk."

"Don't worry, Xena," Joxer replied. "I'm sure Gabrielle can come up with a soliloquy for you."

"That's not what I'm talking about. Do you realize how dangerous it is to live the kind of life that Gabrielle and I live?"

"Of course. Danger is my middle name. Danger is what I thrive on. Danger is-"

"Danger is what you're going to be in if you keep doing what you're doing!" Xena interrupted. "Look, Joxer, I really respect you for having the courage to not kill Gabrielle when Callisto was standing right there in front of you. She could have easily killed you for disobeying her orders. And that's my point. You're very lucky that she didn't execute you on the spot."

Joxer raised his hands. "Xena, I appreciate what you're trying to say. It means a lot to me. It really does. But being a hero is the one and only thing on my mind."

"That's one thing more than usual," Gabrielle offered.

"I am going to be the greatest hero this world has ever seen. Nothing can sway me from my goal. Nothing can catch me off-guard. I would rather die than run from evil."

Sounds of movement came once again from the bushes. In an instant, five men came running out of the foliage towards them. "Xena!" yelled one of them.

"Waaaauugh!" Joxer wailed as he dove to the ground for cover.

"Rather die than run, huh?" Xena said as she drew her chakram and Gabrielle grabbed her staff.

"Wait!" the man said, stopping. "We're not here to fight you. We want to ask you for help."

"Yes," the other men replied. "Please help us."

Xena lowered her chakram. Judging from their garments, they were just simple people, certainly not warriors.

"What's the matter?" Gabrielle asked.

"My name is Isaac. The people of the city of Kolon, ruled by Queen Peloren, have been threatened."

"Never fear, people of Kolon!" Joxer shouted as he sprang to his feet. "Joxer the Mighty is here! And he will protect you from the great menace that threatens your city!"

"Wait a minute-" Xena began.

"No time to waste! Off to Kolon!"

And with that, Joxer plunged into the underbrush running at full speed.

Isaac looked at Xena incredulously. "Who was that idiot?"

"Oh, just the idiot that's going the wrong way."

And so the group looked on as the mighty hero, soon to become a legend, went off to find his destiny.

Even though he was going the wrong way.


Go to Part 2

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